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Bi Sex Tips for First Timers

  1. Kiss, Kiss, Kiss: Kissing is the quintessential erotic art for bisexual women, and like all erotic arts, it is a skill that can be improved upon. Your best teachers are your female lovers and friends—women are more sensual kissers than most men.

Kissing is where the whole game begins. Kissing is an erotic world unto itself, as well as a form of sexual communication between bisexual women. How you kiss telegraphs information about what kind of lover you will be. Being a good kisser will make her want you more.

Particularly fabulous tongue action may get spirits going really fast, especially if you are both doing it for the first time, with each other or in general. Your tongue feels great, so use it wisely. There are a variety of actions you can use to stimulate your partner: kissing or licking her beneath the chin, the neck, and the ear lobe will do wonders for you. Occasionally pressing her up against the wall and giving her a wet French kiss will get her in the mood. No matter where you are,  it is irresistible. In short, surprise each other with hot kisses whenever you get the chance, not just before you jump into bed.

While kissing, try sliding your hands over her ears so your palms form a seal to block out sound. With her eyes closed, this added sensory deprivation serves to heighten her tactile senses and focus her attention, so that your mouth becomes her whole world.

  1. Stimulate The Nipples: If you want to arouse her, you need to know about nipple action. As the most obvious secondary female sex characteristic, breasts are a key part of sexual attraction. Learning how to properly kiss and stimulate the breasts is very important for foreplay and may increase the chance of a woman having an orgasm. In fact, a survey of 200 women showed that 29 percent of women have had an orgasm based solely on breast stimulation.

Every woman prefers different types of stimulation of her nipples. Some like pain, others like gentle licking, and others like non-painful, varying pressure. Some like stimulation only of the nipples. Others enjoy having the entire area around the nipples played with, and some even prefer manipulation of the entire chest, as well as the sensation of having their breasts cupped and fondled.

Nursing is a great sexual stimulant. Breastfeeding (nursing) is also referred to as “suckling.” Breasts, and especially nipples, are highly erogenous zones for women. Start by gently flicking your tongue gently over your lover’s nipple; slowly begin sucking it, as if you were breastfeeding. This will arouse your partner in a profound way and easily bring her to climax, depending on your level of skill. Unintended milk flow is often caused by nipple stimulation and it is possible to reach normal milk production simply by constantly suckling on your lover’s breast. Nipple stimulation of any sort is noted in reducing the chance of breast cancer, so it’s a very healthy act to do before you get to “business.”

  1. Give Great Tongue Action: Women tend to experience a special bond during cunnilingus that is unlike anything they feel with a man. Knowing the effect of each stroke may have something to do with it. Women also tend to use a lighter, softer touch than men do. They can be gentle to an extent that only women can understand and really know when to turn it on down the home stretch. Many women experience orgasms of far greater length and intensity. And with two women at play, stamina never becomes an issue. While you’ll both be tempted to lie in the eternal bliss of non-stop 69, it’s good to take the time to both give and receive during your lovemaking.

Locate the base of her clit with the tip of your tongue and begin tracing slow circles around the base; your tongue will frequently be rubbing against the sides and tip of her clit as you circle, greatly adding to her pleasure. Vary the speed as you go, taking her through several waves of pleasure, always increasing the speed. Around and around and around you go: when she gets off, you’re sure to know.

  1. Have fun, read, and educate yourself: Just as you read about your favorite hobby, so you should also read about sex. Learn how to please your partner and give her a better time in bed and outside of it: read, read, read and practice.

Bi Girls The Art of Cunnilingus

First of all, before we begin let’s get something straight about my favorite past time. This article is going to be graphic and straight to the point, so if you have any problems with learning the vagina in the most intimate of ways…stop…reading…now.

Every woman knows the vagina is a complicated instrument that is attached to our brains, unlike our male counterparts, who merely have to graze it against a tree and they get a hard on.

Well for us ladies it takes a little bit of warming up; it’s all about teasing, and taking it slowly.

All vaginas differ in shape, taste, smell, and feeling. Every woman needs to be learned and understood as an individual. The same trick may not work on all women.

When performing cunnilingus, you don’t only use your mouth and tongue, but your ears to listen to her and your hands to feel her. Stay in tune with your lover. Don’t just focus on making her orgasm. It should be fun and you should enjoy being there watching her while you play with her body and excite her. It’s not a race. You don’t get a prize for how fast you make her climax, but rest assured you will get one for how hard you try.

Start by kissing her entire body and slowly moving south, maybe even gently breathing on top of her vagina so she feels your hot breath without you touching her. Don’t go straight for her love button, a.k.a. clitoris; it can be painful and without a proper welcoming party she might not be interested in playing.

It’s good to spend time around her thighs licking and kissing her sensitive skin, just gently brushing your lips (mouth) against hers (vagina). You want to keep her surprised and be adventurous. Touch her with your fingers without penetrating – just rubbing softly, then quickly. You should always pay attention to how she responds and reacts, listening keenly to every word or moan she utters.

When you notice the colors of her body start changing to darker reds and she is throbbing with excitement, you can start playing with her clitoris. Use your lips to suck on her clitoris, and your tongue to penetrate her and reach in and lick inside; always listening to what she likes while you keep going.

Remember a climax is a buildup so don’t go hot and cold on her. If you do, the momentum you’ve built up will be lost and the excitement level will move back down to base camp (she will not be happy about this). So keep going, always watching her to make sure you’re on target. Here is a clue; if she’s telling you that she likes it then that means don’t stop!

While you’re down there don’t forget there are other parts of her body that need attention. Now is a good time to introduce breast play or if you’re in a little more adventurous mood, there is always anal (stick your pinky in her anus while you go down on her). Now is when your fingers can go inside her and then you can feel her contraction and how close she is to orgasm. With your nose you can rub up against her vagina, what some might call a “down under Eskimo kiss.”

Whatever you decide to do it’s meant to be fun – not a chore, so talk to each other beforehand. Be honest about what you like and want. Remember, no one is a mind reader and it’s a lot more enjoyable when both of you are confident because you’ve discussed what you like and have given permission to discover and explore your body.

So here’s the recap:

* Tease, tease, tease. Play with her body before you go for the direct stimulation.

* Lick, kiss and nibble her stomach, thighs, and outer labia.

* Use your entire face to play with her vagina, your nose, lips, teeth, chin, tongue and you can even use longer hair to tickle her gently.

* Circle around her clitoris and vagina using different pressures and speeds.

* Penetrate her vagina with your tongue.

* Breathe and blow warm air above her vagina but never directly inside especially if she is pregnant (a cause of air embolism).

* Flick you tongue quickly over her clitoris.

* Make your tongue big and flat and rub it all over her vagina.

* Nibble and bite, but only if she’s given you an okay otherwise you might get a smack on the head.

* Touch her while you go down on her, use breast play or penetrate her with your finger either vaginally or anally, matching the rhythm of your tongue.

* Always listen to your partner. Watch her and how she moves.

* Have fun and don’t forget the only way you know if you’re doing it right is to ask (but not a hundred times – just enough that she is screaming yes!)

Oral sex for women is closely linked to body image and self-confidence so talk to each other, share your likes, desires and fears. Always use protection like dental dams and be cautious when your partner is menstruating.

For more information check out these books: The Whole Lesbian Sex Book by Felice Newman, Urge by Dr. Gabrielle Morrissey, The Straight Girl’s Guide to Sleeping with Chicks by Jen Sincero (surprisingly fascinating!)

Now my Darling, go be little vagina explorers and have fun… safe fun!

Bi Girls How to Prepare for Your First Date

You’ve met that special someone and finally it’s time for that first date. It can be a very exciting, yet very stressful time and you want everything to go well. The impression you make during this date will stick with your date for as long as you know her. Remember, your date is going through the same thing at the moment: how do I prepare for the big date? You can prepare yourself in twelve easy steps.

  1. If you are planning to get a new hairdo for the big date, get it done a few days ahead of time. Don’t leave it for the last minute. You don’t want to dye or cut your hair on the day of your date. If something goes drastically wrong, you won’t have time to fix it before your date arrives.
  1. Choose an outfit (or buy a new one) at least a day in advance. If you try to find an outfit just before the date, you may find your favorite clothes in the laundry. Then what? The panic begins! So pick out that outfit early.
  1. Find out exactly what the plans are for the night so you aren’t surprised by anything. This will help with your choice of clothes and will also calm your nerves, since you will know what to expect.
  1. Get a manicure and pedicure. You’ll feel fantastic and relaxed for your date. You’ll also have that well-groomed, together look.
  1. Talk to a friend about your excitement (or nerves!). Friends will ground you. They will also want to hear all about the date when you get home!
  1. Watch a girly movie on the day of your first date. This will really get you in a sappy mood and help you truly enjoy your day! Remember, if you are thinking good thoughts, good things will come to you. Like attracts like!
  1. Stay away from negative people on the day of your date. You may have some people in your life that are always negative or jealous that you have a date and they do not. Keep your distance from these people before your big date. You don’t want their negativity to rub off on you.
  1. Don’t stuff your face with food before the date; you will have no appetite for the dinner out. You want to look and feel your best. Do make time to workout or do a little exercising as that will help with the nerves, you’ll feel more calm and your body will be more svelte looking.
  1. If you are driving (it could happen) then be sure you have enough gas in your car. It also wouldn’t hurt to drive through a car wash, just to have that extra sparkle!
  1. Breathe! This will calm all the flutters of excitement in your stomach. The best technique is to breathe in for 7 counts (count in your head) then hold your breath for 5 counts. Breathe out for 7 counts and then hold your breath for 5 counts. Repeat. This will calm you in minutes.
  1. Do some homework. In the days leading up to your date, take time out to catch up with current events and hot topics. These are great conversation starters and you will be able to impress your date with your knowledge. Having a variety of topics to discuss with your date will also help you discover what your date is interested in.
  1. Be Positive. You’re going out to enjoy yourself, after all. Don’t start worrying about what disasters could happen, because that way they are far more likely to. Don’t forget to smile and let yourself be you. Have fun.

Use these twelve tips and you will be well prepared for the first date. You’ll feel confident and ready for anything. Don’t forget to enjoy the whole process. You never know where this first date may lead!

Bi Girls First Time Oral Sex with a Woman

A few tips for your first time oral experience.

If it’s your first time having oral sex with a woman, don’t be afraid to let her know you’ve never done this before. Let her know you’re eager to get to work, but not quite sure of the lay of the land.

Make sure you spend some time getting her aroused before you head south. Kiss her, caress her breasts, press your bodies close together, bump and grind.

When you’re ready, pull down her pants. Go ahead and kiss her on the outside of her panties before you remove them.

Start gently and build up the intensity: Be gentle. Don’t go at her like a dog to a bone. Kiss her outside labia and gently run your tongue between her lips. Notice if she’s wet. Pay attention to what she does with her body. Does she arch her back and push up to meet your tongue? This is a sure sign that she’s ready for you to get more active down there. Pay attention to her verbal and nonverbal communication.

Whatoral to do with your tongue? First take some time and explore the whole region, but eventually you’re going to want to end up on or near her clitoris. Go ahead and dip your tongue inside her vagina and if she likes it, insert a finger or two or more. When you’re first learning, slow down and pay attention to the subtleties of every sound and every movement your lover makes.

Some women require a lot of stimulation directly on their clitoris to orgasm. Others only like to be stimulated near and around it. When she is aroused try flicking (with your tongue, not your fingers) her clitoris. Some women like to have it sucked. For others that is too much. She may want one thing one day and something different the next.

As you can see, I haven’t given you any exact answers to your questions. The best thing to do is to experiment, do what feels natural to you and look for clues from your partner. If you can’t read her nonverbal cues, go ahead and ask her. More here? Is this the spot? Like this? She may answer you, or she may just grab your head and direct you where she wants you to go.

If she asks you to do something different or change what you’re doing, don’t take it personally. The best lovers are the ones who listen to their partners and have self-confidence without being cocky.

Being Bi in a Gay World

Discrimination sucks. This is not revelatory, by any means, nor is it novel, nor is it necessarily unexpected. And yet, when it happens, it never fails to feel like a sucker punch to your smiling, unsuspecting face.

I’ve had my share of dirty looks as my (ex)girlfriend and I walked into a restaurant holding hands.

I’ve endured the eye rolls and the condescending smirks when I talk about Jesus like He’s my friend. And I’m fine.

Resilience is part of what makes us, as humans, so great. But I remember vividly the first time I felt discriminated against by “one of my own.” It shocked me, because I feel like when you belong to a group of people who are categorically discriminated against, when you are having to defend yourself or your lifestyle on a regular basis, wouldn’t that cause you to be less judgmental all around? Not wanting to ever make someone feel lesser, because you’ve experienced firsthand how crummy it feels when someone makes you feel like less of a person?

It was two summers ago, and I was ecstatic to go to my very first all-lesbian shindig. I’d been invited by a new client of mine, and I was both terrified of not fitting in and excited at the prospect of meeting new (potentially hot!) friends. Despite living in San Francisco, all my gay friends were guys, and all my girl friends were straight. I rarely went to Judith (lesbian) bars, since my girl friends either scoffed at not being able to meet eligible men or bowed out because it “wasn’t their thing.” Part of me resents the lack of support in that area, and part of me knows I never really fought for it. I mean, I wasn’t gay, so why would I push to go to a gay bar?

There is also the fact that after my girlfriend of three years and I broke up, I jumped back into the world of men. It was fun, and, let’s get serious, it also saved me from dealing with the hurt of disappointing my parents again. They were devastated for me when I was dumped and heartbroken, but there was a piece of me that wondered if they also felt a sense of relief. I envisioned them holding their breath, waiting to see if the next partner was going to have breasts or not. When someone asked me if it meant I was straight again, I would usually just answer, “Mostly straight.” I am somewhat embarrassed to admit this now, but I think I was afraid to claim the term “bisexual” because it seemed so finite, or too strong of a revealing label, like “gay.”

Then, the party. I showed up on Saturday afternoon, nervous and wondering if my outfit was cute enough but also Judith enough, and if anyone would appreciate my tan legs, and if my hair was too girly. My client welcomed me and started dragging me around for introductions. The spacious backyard was teeming with women of all ages and looks, and my feeling of intimidation soon ebbed away as I conversed with the happy revelers. I smiled and socialized, and in my mind I thought, “See? You can do this. You fit in. They’re drinking, you’re kind of cute; you’ve got this in the bag.” I loosened up a bit and started flirting back. Then this girl started talking to me, running her fingers down my bare shoulder while complimenting my tan (Yes! She noticed!). I can’t even remember what we talked about, nor does it matter, but I do remember when she asked, “You’re gay, right?” I paused, not because I knew back then that it was a loaded question, but because I didn’t want to just say “no,” with no explanation as to why I was at an all-Judith party, happily flirting.

“Um, not really. I’m bi, actually.

Her vocal response was almost as immediate as her physical response. “Oh, really? This is a gay party. Also, I’m not really interested.” She looked irritated as she walked away, and I’m sure I looked stunned. It took me a few minutes to shake it off, and I was saved by a cute blonde girl who walked over with an extra drink in her hand and a friendly face. I couldn’t help but share my experience with her, since it was sitting on me, and any feeling of sexiness that had been there earlier had since been quashed.

Her advice shocked me that day: “Claim gay. If you like a dyke, just tell her you’re gay. Trust me, if you let the word ‘bi’ escape your lips, you’ve pretty much ruined your chances. I mean, I’m cool with bi girls, but most lesbians are not. They think they can’t trust you, that you’ll turn on them if the right guy comes along, that you’re not serious.” So I was educated, and a little humbled.

That first experience became one of many, and while I’ve become more accustomed, I remain puzzled by discrimination coming from someone who belongs to a group so frequently discriminated against. I asked a few of my closest Judith friends what they thought about bisexuals, and I was rewarded with personal stories that touched me and affirmed my own feelings. Unfortunately their stories are too long to print here, but they agreed that when it comes to sexuality, it is not always cut and dried. There is a lot of grey between black and white, and it is harmful when we discriminate or hate on people because we do not understand their place on the spectrum. We need to focus our energy on ending hate and discrimination against the gay community in any way possible, but we can’t forget that bisexuals are part of that community, too.


Being A Bisexual Woman Is Hard On A Marriage!

Honestly, What Was He Thinking?

So, for better or for worse, the man of your dreams asks for you to spend your life in his arms. He wants to protect you, love you, care for your needs. Wonderful! But you told him about your…er…tendencies, and he said that he understands your needs. You both dismissed that little detail because, well…you are both in love and nothing can get in the way of that carnal and beautiful thing that the two of you have together, right? Well, what swooning girl wouldn’t give up chocolate, extra slices of pizza, movies with friends, and a spin in the ol’e hay with…um…another girl? Well, you would. And you have. And you will…until…

The Real Feelings Rear Their Buried Selves

A few years forward, marriage has been good and the new hubby has been kind. But, hang on, let’s face it. Marriage really is hard. Tender feelings, opened by the love of a new man, have been a little worn from a few disagreements, maybe. The changes in life, perhaps children…new ones, ones from your hubby’s past, living with a new person, friendships changing, job changes…are all making life challenging. For a long time, it has been easy for you to ignore the draw that you had to other men, and to other women. Life has just been busy, yeah? Too busy to take a break and find that you haven’t really changed, you have probably just ignored yourself, your needs, maybe hoping that you could unthink them away. After all, life is easier if you aren’t being demanding upon yourself. It is enough that everyone around you is constantly expecting your attention.

Okay, but let us be totally honest. You want women in your life. Every now and then you see a woman and you have the fleeting thoughts that “should” only belong in a man’s mind. You find yourself remembering something about her, something that you like, perhaps too much. And you take it home with you to comfort you when your ol’e hubby just isn’t being understanding, attentive, or delicious enough. These thoughts consume you when no one else is around, late, after an argument, while doing the dishes, folding the laundry, or getting ready for bed. It could be another man taking up this precious time, someone attentive at work, maybe. But instead, your basic needs are calling out to some woman that you probably aren’t getting any sexual vibes from (or maybe you are), and this woman is who your mind and body choose to respond to in secret. Well, there it is.

Denial and Anger

Well, after you realize that you have attractions for women again…something you thought you had chosen to do away with by marrying…it gets hairy. And the denial comes full force, making things worse because now the hubby wants to know what’s eating you (well, it sure isn’t her), then you eventually have to explain that you have become attracted to a woman somewhere, while hoping that he likes the idea and will be somehow okay with you being attracted to another person. All the while, still denying that it is your utter weakness that is getting between your hearts-never-broken marriage relationship. You are the cause of what could become a major breakdown. You want to beat it out of yourself, these feelings…and, arghhh!, it only makes it worse. It is like denying chocolate to a pre-menstrual female…Oh! And there, again, the comparisons have to be about women, too? Jeez, and you begin to become angry at yourself, angry at this attractive woman for making this hard for you, and angry at your husband for not saving you from yourself. Can’t he see how weak you are? Can’t he just leave you alone? Can’t he just love you more? Oh, the feelings are all over the place. And the blame is on everyone. This is where the hubby sees an opportunity.

He Is Just Doing the “Mars” Thing

He wants you to be happy again. He wants his sweet, carefree, docile wife back again. The one that doesn’t get so worked up and impatient over little things. The one that never started talking about women in a way that only he is allowed to think of them. Well, what else can he do to make you happy but to suggest…wait for it…oh you must have figured out what he will say…and, yes…cue the offer of a menage a trois. You never thought about being with a woman and your husband at the same time. You need exploration, time, experiences alone with your wondering mind. This guy wants to make it into a dadgummed porn shoot! He explains the wisdom in the offer, in that you may discover your inner bi-sexual goddess while he explores his life-long fantasy of having two women in his bed, at once.

Well, you heatedly mull this over for a while…days, weeks, and yes, years. These conversations may happen infrequently or more than you want them to. You are feeling like he is holding you back from yourself, after all, how harmful can two women exploring their bi-sexual curiosities actually be to the marriage, or to anyone else, for that matter? It is an urge…like pizza on a Friday…or something like that. Okay, maybe it is much deeper than that, but shouldn’t it be explored without the help of the husband in the same bed, exploring another woman too? You are so frustrated with the whole thing that you give up on it all and hope that it will go away again. Well, you know what they say about Pandora’s box, right?

Here Is Where It Gets Confusing

Now that it is out in the open, not like it was ever a secret or anything, but just that it re-surfaced…like the Titanic slowly rearing it’s stern in the middle of a hurricane…well, now it is time to get serious about what to do about it. The conversations and the disagreements about this subject of you with another woman…him with you both…you both being watched by him…and whatever else which might suit his fancy but really rain on your exploration ceremony, are frankly getting out of hand. Some days you have a good talk, you agree that you could try it his way, your faces are planted together in harmony, and you are in hog heaven. Because that is what kind of heaven you get if you like other women? Oh, that is one for the opinionated. But your heaven can be interrupted the following day or week by the realization that you aren’t going to feel comfortable with him being with another woman. This is supposed to be about your innocent curiosity about your own sex. It isn’t like you want to go out and have sex with some other guy. This is girl-play we are talking about. And he is being possessive of your dreams, isn’t he? It infuriates you and you two are back to square-one…hashing the old news out all over again. You are withdrawn again. He is feeling confused by your inconsistency and, truly, your dis-appreciation for him being so understanding about your girl-love. Why can’t he just let you go out and find out for yourself why you feel this way?

Okay, and what about his feelings, deep down in that mind that doesn’t want to tell you that he is hurt by all of this. He is wondering why he isn’t enough. And why is it, exactly, that you must have anyone else but him? Two women together is sexy! Why on earth wouldn’t you want to just let him be a part of it all? Do you really need someone else and he has become of less substance in your life? Are you really a lesbian, and are just trying to see if you will really hit it off with another woman? Could he lose you to another women or another man? That, my friend, is a whole lot to worry about on his part. Here, you have been so concerned about your own stone-set plan to have some kind of tryst with a woman…to perhaps endulge the husband with at a later date. Or maybe just to have her around to openly kiss and pet in the presence of your husband, or at least have him be in the know of the fact that you are having some private time with her at your home.

Oh, the seedy plans for a meeting could be endless. But they haven’t involved the one person to this date that you promised your whole self to. And think of how much pain that must cause him, especially if he is loyal to you despite all of the gorgeous women crawling all over the city. He didn’t ask if he could bring another girl home. Nor has he asked if he could explore some bi-sexuality of his own! He is letting you be bi-sexual and he wants to just have a little fun of his own with it. Share the love, as it goes. Who, in this whole set of pictures, is not compromising? I think you might be starting to get it.

Find That Compromise And Roll With It

After all, we all have our needs. Sometimes we know they are toxic. Sometimes, being married makes personal needs a little trickier to fulfill. But, oh, are the ones who have a spouse that understands and accepts bi-sexuality, lucky little chickadees, indeed. In addition to all of the challenges that marriage already presents, you have two people that can never again legally sexually enjoy any other person than their spouses. That is a tragedy to some of you. If you are a bi-sexual woman, and upon my word, if you have read to the end of this article, I suspect that you are or want to know if you are…I invite you to try to talk a little about how your husband feels about it. Especially if you are torn and suffering inside over it. Maybe he will want an arrangement. Maybe he will want you to get counseling and fly off a cliff first, but then, I think that most men will see the benefit in this exceptional chance at some sexual freedom in a marriage.

I apologize for having so little insight into what bi-sexual women might really be feeling from each other. That might be for another discussion. Just know that you are one of many, and a man is a man…so take advantage of what could prove to be a real fire-starter in a marriage in need of some honesty. Stay true, my friends.

Bi Girls Be Yourself

Bisexual Girls! Here’s something you don’t see much, advice about dating men.

Statistics say men lie five times more often than women. (Now ask yourself, is that true, or did I just make it up?) And despite human progress and enlightened times, we’re still slaves to our genes. Males are hardwired to impress women.

Watch the elaborate dances some birds go through to win over a female — puffing up their chests and using their feathers to exaggerate how big they are. Human males are no different. They’re going to tell you they’re richer, stronger, taller, and more important than the next guy to win your affections.

That said, our equal opportunity world has skewed the course somewhat. The days of women sitting back, waiting to be picked up aren’t as common. Women can now go on the offensive. They can go on the prowl to pick up a guy if they desire. And with these turned tables, it’s become more important for women to impress men.

This new need for women to become proactive when picking up guys increases the chance that you might exaggerate, or fudge certain details to land your man. Don’t try to be like us, ladies. Stay true to who you are and don’t let the game turn you into an ugly player.

Here are some key factors to remember:

Don’t misrepresent yourself to catch him. Don’t say things that aren’t true. If you tell him that you’re up for threesomes with another girl and you don’t mean it, he’s going to be mightily disappointed. Trust me, he is.

Don’t pretend to be someone else. I don’t understand this one and I’ve seen it a lot. A girl will pretend to be a hard drinking, party girl. She’ll play fast and loose and will portray herself just like Samantha from Sex and the City. A guy is going to latch on to this kind of personality and expect it all the time, trust me. While there’s nothing wrong if that’s really your personality — if it’s not, you’re just lying to him. No one likes to discover his sex kitten is in fact a quiet cat that likes to sleep eighteen hours a day.

Don’t lead him on. As soon as he gets a whiff that you’re into him, the gears in his head are going to start turning and his imagination is going to kick in. It might seem like you’re being kind by playing into his advances, but in fact you’re being cruel. If you’re not interested, it’s better to shoot him down than play up to him.

Don’t say anything that is wildly untrue. Telling him that the character of Sydney Bristow from Alias is based on you and your counterespionage exploits is not only ridiculous, it’s embarrassing. Even a minor exaggeration will get you into trouble. Saying you never diet because you’re naturally thin will cause an issue when he finds your diet pills in the medicine cabinet. He won’t really care that you diet to look good; he will care that you lied to him. Remember, a first encounter is the time he’ll be listening most. He will remember later that you told him you were a beach volleyball champion with a vast collection of micro bikinis. Again, trust me.

So remember, be yourself. I know this sounds dumb, but it’s not. If you’re a quiet girl, then be a quiet girl. If you’re a sassy lass, then be a sassy lass. Different men will be attracted to different kinds of women. There are men out there who prefer a quiet girl as much as there are guys who dig dangerous ladies. By not being yourself, you’re not only attracting guys you won’t like, but you’re turning off the guys who would like you for being you.

Keep It Real

Feel free to fantasize about celebrity crushes, or other guys that are probably out of your league. By all means, let your heart roam free, but keep your feet on the ground. You have to stay realistic when it comes to men, as I hate to break it to you, but guys have tastes and you may have to accept you don’t match them.

Let’s say you’re into the sales exec on the fifth floor. He’s smart, funny, darts around town in a nice ride, and is hot as hell — and you think you’d make a great addition to his life. There’s just one small problem: He has a thing for twenty-something bubble-headed blondes who spend their time tanning, lip-synching to Britney Spears, and undergoing cosmetic surgery. And you’re brunette.

Obviously, he’s wasting his time with these other girls and he’d be a lot better off with someone like you. But before you go and pick up a bottle of peroxide, some spray-on tanner, and Britney’s Greatest Hits, you need to realize something: You’re so caught up in getting his attention, you seem desperate — or even possibly psychotic. If you have to try to be his type, you’re going to lose out. There’s a fine line between going the extra mile and going too far, and when a guy sees you go too far, you’ve lost him and there’s no going back. Desperate doesn’t impress men.

Find the Guy Who Works for You

You just have to accept that there are guys who will turn you down, the same way you turn down guys. It’s nothing personal. (Well, it sort of is, but don’t let it faze you.) What you need to remember is that what you’re looking for in a potential partner is someone who will complement you, the real you.

The Myth of the “Perfect” Man

Does this sound familiar?

* He must have a sound financial basis with a credit rating of 800 or higher.

* His job must come with a salary at least 20 percent above the national average and should include medical insurance, stock options, and a 401(k).

* He should attain a position on the board or a full partnership in the next five years.

* He should be fluent in at least two languages. If not, he should possess heraldry connecting him to a minor European principality.

* He needs to have a primary domicile in the city with a condo in the mountains.

* His vehicles need to be replaced every two years.

Is that really the type of guy you’re looking for? Or that meets the mythical needs of what a man should be?

Don’t get sucked into the trap of chasing the guy that will make your family happy, or will make your friends happy, or the one that Cosmo says is the guy every woman should be looking for this year. If this is what you want, you should stop looking for a soul mate and start a more formal interview process.

Paging Mr. Functional

Now, the world is a tricky place and we’d all like a bit of stability in our lives, if not a touch of luxury, but that has nothing to do with finding the man of your dreams. If you pick a guy for functional reasons over emotional ones, then life is going to be pretty dull. Mr. Functional need not Worry. Ms. Practical is waiting for him in sensible clothes somewhere outside an insurance agency in Iowa.

There really is someone for everyone, but Mr. Functional probably isn’t for you — and neither is Mr. Uninteresting-but-Stable, Mr. Still-Lives-with-His-Mother, or Mr. Not-Nice-but-Loaded. You have to find someone who is going to make you happy, without Worrying too much about what your mother and friends will say. They aren’t the ones who are dating him, you are. You have to follow your heart and not a list of requirements.

The above is an excerpt from the book Will Marry for Food, Sex, and Laundry: How to Get Him — and How to Keep Him by Simon Oaks. The above excerpt is a digitally scanned reproduction of text from print. Although this excerpt has been proofread, occasional errors may appear due to the scanning process. Please refer to the finished book for accuracy. Copyright © 2009 Simon Oaks author of Will Marry for Food, Sex, and Lau