- Your Hands Turn Me On
Just looking at your hands can turn me on. My mind races to thoughts of seeing your hands do the naughtiest things to me.
- I Sleep in Your T-Shirt
When you go away, even for a day, I sleep in your favorite old T-shirt because it smells like you. I love the smell of you and put up your shirt to my nose every so often and take a good, long inhale of your scent.
- I Lie About My Number
I’ll never tell you exactly how many men I’ve slept with. No matter how sincere I appeared when I answered your question, chances are I wasn’t. As an unscientific guideline, when a woman says she’s slept with four men, the real number is actually closer to seven. Her fib is partly intentional (she doesn’t want to appear a floozy), but mostly it’s sexual amnesia.
When a woman wants to pretend an encounter never occurred, she simply scraps the man from her official score sheet. Common excuses that lead to such an omission: The actual sex lasted only a few thrusts; or she was drunk or on the rebound.
- I Fantasized About You
I fantasized about being with you at least a dozen times before we actually first got naked. I still fantasize about you every day.
- I Compare You to My Exes
I still think about my ex-boyfriends and compare them to you. Mostly you win. Sometimes not.
- I’ve Googled Your Exes
I have Googled your exes. Yes, I know more about them than you think.
- My Body isn’t Always this Smooth
My body really isn’t naturally this hairless and smooth all over. But I will never allow you to see any indication whatsoever of all the shaving, tweezing, waxing, exfoliating, and moisturizing that gets it this way. It has to seem effortless.
- I Can Be Disorganized
I only appear to have it all together. My true organization (or lack thereof) is revealed in my closet, my makeup bag, my desk files and, did I mention my bills?
- I Know About Your Porn Stash
I have discovered your porn stash and your frequently visited porn sites and think the things that turn you on are hilarious, although some are disturbing, but I keep that to myself.
- I Always Need Extra Time
When I say, “I’m ready,” I’ll need exactly 7 more minutes to get ready. Don’t try to cheat the system by showing up 7 minutes later; I will still need an extra 7 minutes. There’s always something that can be improved upon while I’m waiting.
- I’m Usually Late
When I say, “I’ll meet you in 15 minutes,” I mean I will leave in 15 minutes, and thus won’t actually arrive for at least 30 (but probably more like 40). You won’t really mind, will you?
- You’ve Made Me Cry
You’ve made me cry more times than you’ll ever know. A lot of what hurts me I don’t tell you because I know you’ll think it’s silly or stupid, but it still makes me cry.
- I Like When You Call
I obsess about when you’re going to call me again. The period of time between our first date and your “Thanks for a great night; when can I see you again?” always seems stretched into slow motion. So don’t worry about looking too eager. Call. Even if you only wait until noon the day after, it will feel like a lifetime to me. And don’t send me an email unless you want me to put you in the figurative trash can along with your message.
- I Want You to Talk a Little Dirty
I want you to talk a little dirty.
- I Saved Your Voice Mails
At the beginning of our relationship, I save all of your voice mails and listen to them (and make my friends listen, too), repeatedly.
- I Wear Granny Underwear
I might wear granny underwear and purposely not shave my legs because I like you. As crazy as it sounds, the more I like you, the less likely I am to sleep with you on an early date, because I don’t want to sabotage having a “proper” relationship with you. So I just might purposely hunt out the ugliest underwear in my drawer and not shave my legs—all to prevent myself from getting naked with you too soon. Sometimes I might get a little tipsy or carried away, and this plan will backfire.
- I Spend a Lot on Clothes
I split the cost of my fashion purchases over two or more credit cards, so you don’t notice the gargantuan deficit. You don’t really think my ability to look this good comes cheap, do you? Uh, keep that in mind for after we move in together and I have “necessities” to buy.
- I’m Constantly Testing You
I’m constantly testing you. I observe, analyze, and judge every action, word, gesture, e-mail, and facial expression. When I ask you if you want to have a threesome, I don’t mean it. If you want me to speak to you again, let alone sleep with you after this conversation, the answer should always be, “Why would I want to sleep with another woman when I have you?” I also notice every time you flirt with another woman or make the “I’d like to bonk you” eye contact with them. Yeah, I do.
- I Check Your Butt Out
I check out your butt every time you leave the room. I think you are hot and you have a hot butt! I check out your other things every time I get a chance, too!
- I Need to Know You Want Me
I need constant indications that you want me around. That’s why it’s better, for example, to say, “I want you to come away with me for the weekend. Could you come with me?” than to ask, “What are you up to this weekend?” Get it? Include the “I want you” whenever you can.
- I Love It When You’re Jealous
I love it when you get a little jealous. So if you ever see me flirting in front of you with the waiter, the bus driver, or another guy at a party, know I’m actually flirting with you—through him. I just want to remind you that I’m desirable and you desire me.
- You’re Sexy When You Go to Work
Even though I may complain that I don’t see you enough (or that you work too hard), I find nothing sexier than watching you put on a suit in the morning and rush off to work. I want to tear it right back off of you and tackle you at the door.
- I Start Fights When I Feel Ignored
I start fights with you because I’m feeling ignored. I’m trying to force emotion out of you. Don’t retreat into your cave; just give me what I want: some attention. And never tell me to “calm down,” unless you want to guarantee that I absolutely won’t. Don’t ignore me for too long.
- I Think You’re Cheap if I Pay
Even if I insist on paying or splitting the bill on our first date, I’ll think you’re cheap if you let me. I don’t want to think that you’re cheap, so do what you can to prevent that.
- I’ve Fantasized About Your Best Friend
I may find your best friend repulsive, but I’ve fantasized about sleeping with him. Not because I want him, but because I want a piece of a guy who is so close to you.
- My Friends Know Things Before You Do
If I’m going to break up with you, all of my friends know way before you do. I’ve been talking about it for 2 weeks. Some things I just can’t seem to ever talk to you about, and they know those things cold.
- I Get Nostalgic About Us
When we do break up, I put all photographs of you and mementos of our relationship in a shoe box and store it in my closet. Just in case I get nostalgic. Just in case you come back. I keep all the good memories and forget about the nasties.
- I Want You to Take Control in Bed
I want you to take control in bed. Yes, I have a successful career, I’m financially independent, I live on my own, and I don’t need a man to make me happy (in theory). I still want you to pick me up, carry me to the bedroom, and take without asking. Yes I do.
- I Expect Presents, Cards and Flowers
Yes I do expect you to remember my birthday, give me a card, flowers on our anniversary and something on Valentine’s Day. Even if you think it’s corny, it matters to me. If you don’t, I may not say anything, but I’ll think you maybe don’t care quite as much as I had hoped.
- I Can Tell if You Slept with Her
Yes, I can tell if you slept with her when you introduce us, so don’t bother lying about it. I will know. And if you don’t mention it to me I’ll wonder why. As a matter of fact, I can always tell when you’re lying to me. I just choose not to argue and fight with you about it.