Honestly, What Was He Thinking?
So, for better or for worse, the man of your dreams asks for you to spend your life in his arms. He wants to protect you, love you, care for your needs. Wonderful! But you told him about your…er…tendencies, and he said that he understands your needs. You both dismissed that little detail because, well…you are both in love and nothing can get in the way of that carnal and beautiful thing that the two of you have together, right? Well, what swooning girl wouldn’t give up chocolate, extra slices of pizza, movies with friends, and a spin in the ol’e hay with…um…another girl? Well, you would. And you have. And you will…until…
The Real Feelings Rear Their Buried Selves
A few years forward, marriage has been good and the new hubby has been kind. But, hang on, let’s face it. Marriage really is hard. Tender feelings, opened by the love of a new man, have been a little worn from a few disagreements, maybe. The changes in life, perhaps children…new ones, ones from your hubby’s past, living with a new person, friendships changing, job changes…are all making life challenging. For a long time, it has been easy for you to ignore the draw that you had to other men, and to other women. Life has just been busy, yeah? Too busy to take a break and find that you haven’t really changed, you have probably just ignored yourself, your needs, maybe hoping that you could unthink them away. After all, life is easier if you aren’t being demanding upon yourself. It is enough that everyone around you is constantly expecting your attention.
Okay, but let us be totally honest. You want women in your life. Every now and then you see a woman and you have the fleeting thoughts that “should” only belong in a man’s mind. You find yourself remembering something about her, something that you like, perhaps too much. And you take it home with you to comfort you when your ol’e hubby just isn’t being understanding, attentive, or delicious enough. These thoughts consume you when no one else is around, late, after an argument, while doing the dishes, folding the laundry, or getting ready for bed. It could be another man taking up this precious time, someone attentive at work, maybe. But instead, your basic needs are calling out to some woman that you probably aren’t getting any sexual vibes from (or maybe you are), and this woman is who your mind and body choose to respond to in secret. Well, there it is.
Denial and Anger
Well, after you realize that you have attractions for women again…something you thought you had chosen to do away with by marrying…it gets hairy. And the denial comes full force, making things worse because now the hubby wants to know what’s eating you (well, it sure isn’t her), then you eventually have to explain that you have become attracted to a woman somewhere, while hoping that he likes the idea and will be somehow okay with you being attracted to another person. All the while, still denying that it is your utter weakness that is getting between your hearts-never-broken marriage relationship. You are the cause of what could become a major breakdown. You want to beat it out of yourself, these feelings…and, arghhh!, it only makes it worse. It is like denying chocolate to a pre-menstrual female…Oh! And there, again, the comparisons have to be about women, too? Jeez, and you begin to become angry at yourself, angry at this attractive woman for making this hard for you, and angry at your husband for not saving you from yourself. Can’t he see how weak you are? Can’t he just leave you alone? Can’t he just love you more? Oh, the feelings are all over the place. And the blame is on everyone. This is where the hubby sees an opportunity.
He Is Just Doing the “Mars” Thing
He wants you to be happy again. He wants his sweet, carefree, docile wife back again. The one that doesn’t get so worked up and impatient over little things. The one that never started talking about women in a way that only he is allowed to think of them. Well, what else can he do to make you happy but to suggest…wait for it…oh you must have figured out what he will say…and, yes…cue the offer of a menage a trois. You never thought about being with a woman and your husband at the same time. You need exploration, time, experiences alone with your wondering mind. This guy wants to make it into a dadgummed porn shoot! He explains the wisdom in the offer, in that you may discover your inner bi-sexual goddess while he explores his life-long fantasy of having two women in his bed, at once.
Well, you heatedly mull this over for a while…days, weeks, and yes, years. These conversations may happen infrequently or more than you want them to. You are feeling like he is holding you back from yourself, after all, how harmful can two women exploring their bi-sexual curiosities actually be to the marriage, or to anyone else, for that matter? It is an urge…like pizza on a Friday…or something like that. Okay, maybe it is much deeper than that, but shouldn’t it be explored without the help of the husband in the same bed, exploring another woman too? You are so frustrated with the whole thing that you give up on it all and hope that it will go away again. Well, you know what they say about Pandora’s box, right?
Here Is Where It Gets Confusing
Now that it is out in the open, not like it was ever a secret or anything, but just that it re-surfaced…like the Titanic slowly rearing it’s stern in the middle of a hurricane…well, now it is time to get serious about what to do about it. The conversations and the disagreements about this subject of you with another woman…him with you both…you both being watched by him…and whatever else which might suit his fancy but really rain on your exploration ceremony, are frankly getting out of hand. Some days you have a good talk, you agree that you could try it his way, your faces are planted together in harmony, and you are in hog heaven. Because that is what kind of heaven you get if you like other women? Oh, that is one for the opinionated. But your heaven can be interrupted the following day or week by the realization that you aren’t going to feel comfortable with him being with another woman. This is supposed to be about your innocent curiosity about your own sex. It isn’t like you want to go out and have sex with some other guy. This is girl-play we are talking about. And he is being possessive of your dreams, isn’t he? It infuriates you and you two are back to square-one…hashing the old news out all over again. You are withdrawn again. He is feeling confused by your inconsistency and, truly, your dis-appreciation for him being so understanding about your girl-love. Why can’t he just let you go out and find out for yourself why you feel this way?
Okay, and what about his feelings, deep down in that mind that doesn’t want to tell you that he is hurt by all of this. He is wondering why he isn’t enough. And why is it, exactly, that you must have anyone else but him? Two women together is sexy! Why on earth wouldn’t you want to just let him be a part of it all? Do you really need someone else and he has become of less substance in your life? Are you really a lesbian, and are just trying to see if you will really hit it off with another woman? Could he lose you to another women or another man? That, my friend, is a whole lot to worry about on his part. Here, you have been so concerned about your own stone-set plan to have some kind of tryst with a woman…to perhaps endulge the husband with at a later date. Or maybe just to have her around to openly kiss and pet in the presence of your husband, or at least have him be in the know of the fact that you are having some private time with her at your home.
Oh, the seedy plans for a meeting could be endless. But they haven’t involved the one person to this date that you promised your whole self to. And think of how much pain that must cause him, especially if he is loyal to you despite all of the gorgeous women crawling all over the city. He didn’t ask if he could bring another girl home. Nor has he asked if he could explore some bi-sexuality of his own! He is letting you be bi-sexual and he wants to just have a little fun of his own with it. Share the love, as it goes. Who, in this whole set of pictures, is not compromising? I think you might be starting to get it.
Find That Compromise And Roll With It
After all, we all have our needs. Sometimes we know they are toxic. Sometimes, being married makes personal needs a little trickier to fulfill. But, oh, are the ones who have a spouse that understands and accepts bi-sexuality, lucky little chickadees, indeed. In addition to all of the challenges that marriage already presents, you have two people that can never again legally sexually enjoy any other person than their spouses. That is a tragedy to some of you. If you are a bi-sexual woman, and upon my word, if you have read to the end of this article, I suspect that you are or want to know if you are…I invite you to try to talk a little about how your husband feels about it. Especially if you are torn and suffering inside over it. Maybe he will want an arrangement. Maybe he will want you to get counseling and fly off a cliff first, but then, I think that most men will see the benefit in this exceptional chance at some sexual freedom in a marriage.
I apologize for having so little insight into what bi-sexual women might really be feeling from each other. That might be for another discussion. Just know that you are one of many, and a man is a man…so take advantage of what could prove to be a real fire-starter in a marriage in need of some honesty. Stay true, my friends.